Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

Peggy Orenstein authored Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity in 2020. Orenstein is a New York Times bestselling author and journalist who has spent most of her career covering gender issues, particularly about girls. This book is based on Orenstein’s numerous interviews with young men of varied backgrounds who illuminate the complicated landscape of modern masculinity and its relationship to sexuality. Orenstein identifies key trends about consent, the prevalence of porn, and the influence of toxic masculinity on the pursuit of sexual and emotional intimacy. Boys & Sex is Orenstein's first book on young men. She also authored SchoolGirls (1994), Flux (2000), Waiting for Daisy (2007), Cinderella Ate My Daughter (2011), Girls & Sex (2016), and Don't Call Me Princess (2018).

Content Warning: Please note that this work discusses sexual assault and issues surrounding sexual consent.

Summary

In the introduction, Orenstein defines the book as an exploration of a "more expansive, holistic version of masculinity" (6). Her desire to write the book, after spending the majority of her career covering girls' issues, arose as a result of the #MeToo movement, which exacerbated the need to understand modern masculinity. She explains her approach to the book; she conducted over a hundred interviews with teenage boys. Orenstein says that the book was not driven by any agenda or pre-conceived thesis, but by a genuine desire to listen and understand her interview subjects in an effort to capture a snapshot of current views on sex and its corollary issues.

The book is divided into nine chapters, each focusing on a different aspect of her interviews. In Chapter 1 ("Welcome to Dick School"), Orenstein introduces Cole, one of her interview subjects. Cole provides insight on the pressures of modern masculinity, such as the notion that emotional vulnerability is contradictory to being a man. Cole, who is tall, white, and athletic, says that even though he knows better, he struggles with asserting his own ideals within the context of fitting in. Orenstein also focuses on Mateo, who is Latinx and gay, and whose struggle to belong is exacerbated by toxic masculinity.

In Chapter 2 ("If It Exists, There Is Porn of It"), Orenstein explores the pervasiveness of pornography and its impact on male views of sex. She refers to a study that suggests that over 56% of teenage boys have seen porn. Orenstein’s research found clear links between watching porn and aggressive views of sex. Many of her interview subjects were unable to perform sexually with their partners due to expectations connected to how they saw sex depicted in porn.

In Chapter 3 ("Are You Experienced? Life and Love in a Hookup Culture"), Orenstein explores the concept of hookup culture, where casual sexual encounters are often a precondition of any eventual emotional intimacy. The casual nature of hookup culture creates questions about consent, shame, and sexual fulfillment. Orenstein focuses on historically marginalized groups within the general conversation of male sexuality. In Chapter 4 ("Get Used to It: Gay, Trans, and Queer Guys"), Orenstein delves into the experience of queer teenagers, who struggle to find themselves in a society that remains intensely anti-gay biased. She tells the story of Zane, a young gay man whose social queerness is accepted, but whose actual sexuality is seen by many people in his life as taboo. Orenstein also highlights the story of Devon, a young trans man whose experiences speak to the struggle for belonging among members of the trans community.

In Chapter 5 ("Heads You Lose, Tails I Win: Boys of Color in a White World"), Orenstein focuses on gendered racism, most notably in the experiences of young Black men and predominantly white institutions. Orenstein also explores how racial and ethnic stereotypes largely influence how Asian and Latinx men experience sex and intimate relationships.

In Chapter 6 ("I Know I'm a Good Guy, But…"), Orenstein addresses the "good guy" phenomenon, in which young men define themselves not by their own ethics and convictions, but by comparing themselves to the predators they could have been. Orenstein highlights how coercion and consent are constant factors in modern sexual ethics. In Chapter 7 ("All Guys Want It. Don't They?"), Orenstein confronts the belief that males exclusively perpetuate sexual assault. She tells the story of Dylan, a young man who was sexually assaulted by a woman.

In Chapter 8 ("A Better Man"), Orenstein tells the story of Sameer and Anwen. Sameer sexually assaulted Anwen, forcing her to do things without her consent during college. Sameer became aware of the impact of his actions after attending training seminars on sexual consent, and after Anwen told him herself how she had been affected. In Chapter 9 ("Deep Breath: Talking to Boys"), Orenstein examines how young men and boys need to be emotionally validated to develop into healthy adults who can identify their emotions and empathize with others. If young men are able to connect emotionally, Orenstein argues that they will be less likely to violate women, as they will be more compassionate and egalitarian. Real vulnerability will lead to healthy psychological development.